The Night Before Christmas, D&D Style
by DemonDragonJ
Summary: A humorous, and slightly macabre, revision of the timeless traditional tale, with a Dungeons & Dragons theme. Rated for mild violence and mildly frightening themes.


Hello, everyone! It has been quite a long time since I lasted posted any sort of material on this internet community. I am truly sorry for this. However, I now have a new story that I wish to share with everyone here. I wrote this poem several weeks ago, after finishing final exams at my school; it is a parody of _The Night Before Christmas,_ a poem that describes a visit from St. Nicholas, with which I hope that everyone here is familiar. Although I should have posted this story two days ago, I am a firm believer in the philosophy of "better late than never." A word of caution to my readers, however: my new version of this classic holiday tale is considerably darker and not quite as happy or cheerful as the original. Despite this, however, I feel that I did an excellent job with this piece; I was greatly inspired when I wrote it. I hope that you will all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Thank you very much.

Legal disclaimers: I do not own the _Dungeons & Dragons_ role-playing game, nor am I the original author of _The Night Before Christmas,_ and all names, characters, places, and events described within this poem are fictional and/or are being used in a fictitious manner.

* * *

'Twas the night before Christmas,  
And all through the town,  
Hell was breaking loose;  
Things were falling down! 

The weapons were hung  
In the hallway with care;  
In hopes that their wielders  
Soon would be there.

The children lay trembling,  
Entrapped in their beds;  
While nightmarish visions  
Raced through their heads.

And Mama with a ruckus,  
And I with a rattle;  
Had just donned our armor  
For a long winter's battle.

When out in the street,  
There arose such a clatter;  
We sprang from our house  
To see what was the matter.

Away to the fountain  
We flew like the lightning;  
Treading with caution;  
For it was very frightening.

The splatter of blood on the fresh-fallen snow  
Gave a gory effect to the objects below;  
When, what to our terrified eyes should appear;  
But a towering devil, who filled us with fear!

His rod was so great, but his staff was still greater;  
So we knew all at once that it must be Dispater.  
More vicious than wolves his minions drew near,  
And he smiled, and smirked, and snarled with a sneer:

"Now, Slasher! Now, Slicer! Now Smasher and Shaker!  
On, Crasher! On, Crusher! On, Basher and Breaker!  
Tear down the houses; break down the walls!  
And smash away, crash away, 'til everything falls!"

As rabbits before the fierce predators scatter,  
When they met with an obstacle, they'd cause it to shatter.  
So back to our house, we decided to go,  
With the army of devils-and Dispater-in tow.

And then with a shrieking,  
We heard in the square;  
The stamping of hooves  
Of a fiendish nightmare.

As we drew forth our blades,  
And were preparing to fight;  
Suddenly Dispater  
Emerged from the night.

He was dressed in all black,  
From his head to his toe;  
Which sharply contrasted  
With the white of the snow.

A powerful mace  
Was clenched in his fist;  
And he stepped like a warrior  
From out of the mist.

His eyes-how they burned!  
His countenance scary;  
His skin was like iron;  
He was no fairy.

His steel-like jaw was smooth and clean-shaven,  
And his long flowing hair was as black as a raven.  
The shaft of a spear he held tight in his grasp,  
And his billowing cape was clutched with a clasp.

He had a gaunt face,  
And fists made of steel;  
I wished this a dream;  
But it was all too real.

He was fearsome and stern,  
A formidable foe;  
And we shook when we saw him,  
For we had no place to go.

A glint in his eye,  
Instilled us with dread;  
And made it quite clear  
That we soon would be dead.

He spoke not a word,  
But went straight to his work;  
And engaged us in combat,  
With nary a quirk.

I and my wife,  
We fought hard and long;  
But it cost us our life,  
For he was just too strong.

He stood over our corpses,  
Proud of his win,  
And he left us there dying,  
Wearing a grin.

But I heard him proclaim,  
Ere the light left my eye;  
"Merry Christmas to all;  
and now you shall die."

* * *

Author's comments: I cannot recall the exact details of how I was inspired to write this poem, but I am an avid fan and player of the _Dungeons & Dragons_ role-playing game and this poem is part of a series of parodies of traditional holiday songs, with a _D&D_ theme, that I am writing. If the name "Dispater" is unfamiliar to anyone, he is the ruler of Dis, the second layer of Hell in the _Dungeons & Dragons_ cosmology, although his name was originally one of the Latin/Roman names for the Greek god Hades, ruler of the underworld. I chose him because I felt that his stern, cold, and methodical manner would be the perfect antithesis to the warm, kindly, and spontaneous manner of St. Nicholas, and because his name was the easiest with which to rhyme out of all the various archfiends in _D&D._ Thank you very much for reading this, and I wish you all a belated merry Christmas. 


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